mildlyfree

random update.

2008-01-13T16:43:19Z

I need to get better at writing in this. I don't think anyone reads it though. haha

I'm stuck at 124. Not going up, not going down. I fucking hate it. I went shopping the other day, and didn't get any jeans because I can't bear to buy another size 3. Don't even say that's tiny, because it's not. I'm so sick of people saying I'm tiny. I get i at school, but always by overweight girls. To put that in perspective, yes I can see why they'd think I'm small. But to every other girl, I'm just plain fat. I just want to get back to 115. I think when I move out, it will be better. I can go buy some work out clothes and go to the gym. Actually that can't happen until I find a job near campus, because I work 6 days a week. If I decide to eat on campus, I can have salad and fruit for every meal. That's healthy and low cal. I just hope I don't get shit from people for only eating those things though. I'm so scared to eat in front of people already...

mildly_free @ 2007-12-16T22:21:00

2007-12-17T03:25:32Z

I'm crying so hard right now it feels like I'm going to throw up. I cut too. Doug will see that this weekend. i dont want him to know. I thought to myself, its ok if its on your ribs because no one will see. I forgot about him. FUCK. fucking stupid. I'm so fucking dumb. I dont know why i bother. I have no idea what im still doing here. Its a bad night. i have so much work to do. So much. i cant bring myself to do anything. i have no idea why im in school right now. I dont know why im writing this. im so so so fucking dumb. im going to fail. flunk out of college. my support system is gone. i posted a message on BDF and no one answered. my calls for help arent being heard. funny, I dont bother asking for help anymore. yea now I remember why. I dont know what to do. I want someone to be here and just hold me because im shaking and crying so much right now. I want to OD. I want to cut. I want to feel pain right now. but i cant. I cant do any of those things. I cant even start my work because im so fucking frustrated and im crying so much. my thoughts are everywhere. im out of things to say. Im done.

:(

2007-12-12T05:17:55Z

I don't belong on BDF. I'm too big. Too fat. Not good enough. *sigh* I feel like I've missed out on so much there within the past couple of months. I don't feel needed or wanted there, andd for good reason.

mildly_free @ 2007-11-18T00:58:00

2007-11-18T06:01:04Z

I don't want him in my life anymore. I'm scared of what he's going to do when he comes home next month. If he does it, I don't think I'll be able to hold on. I wish I could just do this before he gets here. I wish I could just end my life but right now I'm so numb. I need a catylst. Maybe that will be the push I need.

doing better

2007-11-15T17:55:15Z

So after nonstop BPing for a while and gaining a lot, I'm down to 125. That's good, considering a week ago I was 130. I know I know... fucking disgusting. pig. In August I was hovering around 115-118. I want to get back there. I need to get back there. My goal is to be 118 again by December 20. I know that's a weird goal. I'm giving myself lots of time. But that way I figure if I lose moer by then it will just be kinda like a bonus. And if I fuck up and start BPing I will still maybe be able to reach my goal. I wish I had time to work out.

masq

2007-11-13T05:49:52Z

I won't bother you if you don't want to be bothered. I just need to let you know that I love you so fucking much. I understand if you dont want to be found right now, I really do. Just let me know somehow that you're ok, and I'll leave you alone until you decide to come back if that's what you want. <3

random update

2007-10-29T01:44:41Z

I'm sorry, I've been busy. Busy with school, busy juggling boys, busy working, just busy.

I've been BPing so much. Every day. I can't handle this. As sick as this might sound, I just want to not be able to eat again. I can't stand how much weight I have put on. In August I was 115. Now... I don't even want to write it. I'm just never home. At home i can relax and fast. when I'm at school and then working 40+ hours a week I can't fast. It just can't be done. I want to just sit at home and drink my green tea and chainsmoke and talk to my flies.

Speaking of those beautiful amazing girls, I feel so left out. I have no idea what's going on with anyone cause I'm never there anymore. And when I do go there, I don't feel like talking about what's wrong. I don't want to go there just to bitch and complain. that's not fair to them. oh well...

I've lost my only support system. I want them back. I love them so much.

That's all for now. I need to get back on track...

-mildlyfree

quick update

2007-09-21T13:01:22Z

I'm at school right now. Pretty rad. not so much.

I don't remember the last time I was this fat. No more BPing. I can't keep doing this. I really can't. I'm disgusting. I'm pathetic. I wish I had time to work out. :(

Ummm that's all. I'm going to plan out every calorie I eat. I'm going to stick with this and get down to my goals. yessss I will.

love you who ever reads this. <3

radical!

2007-08-26T14:56:11Z

I'm down to 120. Anxiety does wonders for weight loss. Two lbs away from my first goal. It seems within reach. At least something in my life is going the way I want it to. Everything else is so fucked up. *sigh*

No, I haven't left the board. It has finally happened! I can't get there. lol My laptop's cord that makes it connect to the internet is messed up. Probably from people tripping over it ten time a day because no one can see a BRIGHT BLUE CORD! SO I can't go onto BDF. I mean, I could just ask someone for the link, but I'm not sure I should be on the site on my dad's computer anyway. I'm paranoid.

Ummm I love you all. <3

Quick update.

2007-08-24T20:36:09Z

Of course, right now I'm talking to Tim and I'm getting upset. Lame.

Umm I picked up my car today. I'm really excited because this means I can go to school. Without my baaaby I wouldn't be able to go to college this year, and I know i wouldn't bother to go back. I already dropped out of HS, I dont want to drop out of college. this gets me one step closer to my new life.

I'm losing again. :) tooooday I had coffee and nothing else. I've been too tired or busy to eat. yay.

Love!

First entry.

2007-08-23T15:11:30Z

I know a lot of you guys have xangas or blogspot thingies, but I've been an LJer for years now. I'm paranoid and don't want any of my friends know to about my ED or anyone knowing more about me than they need to, so I thought I'd start a new LJ for my loves.

So here you go.

I'll probably post stats and pictures or me and other things that some might not want to see. Be warned.

<3